Have The Best Sex EVER Using These Top 10 Personal Lubricants

sex
Expert
Sex

Regardless of your sexual or political affiliations, we can probably all agree on one thing — Lube makes everything better.

Without it you’ve got a one-way ticket to Chafe Town. Population: You.

That being said, life's too short for bad lubricant. Believe you me, I've been on the business end of some terrible lube. 

I'll never forget that half-crystallized bottle of Grape Emotion Lotion my high-school boyfriend kept in his glove compartment.1990 was one sticky year.

Later on in life, as a sex shop proprietress, it was my job to vet countless lubricants. After 15 years of sampling good, bad and supremely awful brands, I developed my 3 “Golden Rules of Lube.” Read and learn.

1. A good lube doesn’t get sticky

I don’t care if your lube is $100 an ounce and made from heirloom lotus flowers grown on Gwyneth Paltrow’s veranda. If it dries out, you need to consciously uncouple from that brand and move on.

2. A good lube doesn’t cause UTI’s or irritation in your nether bits

That’s why I’m not a fan of Glycerine, Gwyneth or Parabens.

3. A good lube should be clear, odorless and above all, tasteless

It's true that lubricants are available in a rainbow variety of Boone's Farms flavors but edible lotions are for teenagers and the people trying to lure them into their Ford Windstars. Personal lubricants are for adults.

Looking for your very own grown-folks lube? Here I’ve assembled the 10 top-selling  lubricant brands from Tabutoys.com and personally tested them so you won’t have to. Here we go!

Astroglide Original — "Grandma’s Ol’ Sticky Icky"

In the beginning, the earth was a parched and barren wasteland where the only lubricants to be found were Vaseline or KY Jelly. Then, in 1991 Astroglide squirted onto the scene, quickly becoming the best-selling lubricant of all time.

Base: Glycerine and despair.

Taste: Starts out sweet and finishes with a bitter aftertaste.

Viscosity: Thin and smooth until it morphs into a creepy mess of interconnected strands of lube-slime. Perfect if you want your orifices to imitate an alien in a Ridley Scott movie.

Performance: Astroglide should change its name to "Sorry Honey, This is all Wal-Mart had.”

Astroglide Trivia: Rosie O'Donnell claims that when she was a member of "The View" and close to Barbara Walters, Walters recommended Astroglide to her. Excited yet?

Who it's for: Barbara and Rosie, Your parents.

Ingredients: Purified water, Glycerine, Propylene Glycol, Polyquaternium 15, Methyparaben, Propylparaben

Intimate Organics Hydra Lubricant — "Lube the one you’re with."

Would you prefer not to baste your junk in chemicals made in smokestack factories by our corporate overlords? Stick it to the man with Intimate Organics Hydra. This certified organic and 100% vegan lube contains everything but Birkenstock extract and Jerry Garcia's doormat.

Base: Plant Cellulose (No Glycerine or Parabens).

Taste: Despite its hippie credentials, Hydra does not smell or taste like one.

Viscosity: Hydra's very light formula doesn't get thicker with extended use. It tunes in and doesn't drop out. Like the doorbell says, it feeds your head.

Performance: I’m not usually a fan of lighter lubricants but this one has got surprisingly groovy staying power. That said, if her lady-skillet needs more than just a light misting of Pam, you may need to go with the heavier stuff.

Who it's for: Do you drink PBR? Are you a fan of Pitchfork Media?

Ingredients: Aqua/Water/Eau, Propanediol (Natural Humectant), Cellulose Gum, Phenoxyethanol, Benzoic Acid, Phenethyl Alcohol, PPG 2 Methyl Ether, Methylisothiazolinone, Alcohol, Lycium Barbarum (Goji) Fruit Extract, Cymbopogon Schoenanthus Extract, Aloe Vera (Aloe Barbadensis) Extract, Sodium Hydroxide

Divine 9 — "Lotion from the ocean"

Do glycerine-based lubricants set off a yeast-bomb that makes you want to swear off sex altogether? Unlike most water-based lubricants, Divine 9 uses a natural extract derived from red seaweed called Carageenan that lubricates without the offending G-word.

Base: Carragel (No Glycerine or Parabens)

Taste:  A balanced acidity and complexity that dances across the tongue like 1000 nimble-toed nymphs. Who am I kidding? Get it the fuck out of my mouth.

Viscosity: Somewhere in between a gel and a liquid-not too thick, not too thin. You’d also think something made from seaweed might smell like low tide but it’s odorless.

Performance: Impressive! Divine 9 will not leave a sticky feeling behind, even after extended fornication. I wonder if it comes with a foot pump.

Product notes: The National Cancer Institute (NCI) found that, in a test tube study, carrageenan can inhibit the infectious ability of viruses that cause cervical cancer and genital warts! But before you start lubin' up the old slip-and-slide here’s a not-so-sexy fact: Divine 9 contains saccharin.

Outside of the saccharin and flavor issue, this is probably the best lube I’ve ever used.

Who it's for: Mermaids and next-level lovers of Sweet ‘’N’ Low.

Ingredients: Purified Water, Seaweed Extract (Carrageenan), Propylene Glycol, Saccharin, Citric Acid

Kama Sutra Love Liquid  — "Go with the Flow"

In the swingin’ 1960’s the Kama Sutra Company introduced Oil Of Love to the world, an edible lubricant designed to bring tastier oral sex to the unwashed Woodstockian hordes. This was the catalyst for a host of other popular products like Pleasure Balm, Honey Dust, and most recently, Love Liquid.

Base: Glycerine (No Parabens)

Taste: Lightly sweet. Like love's first kiss carried on a butterfly's wings or some such shit.

Viscosity: Kama Sutra calls it "whisper like." I call it "water like."

Performance:  G-Rated. This wouldn’t last me through a Lifetime movie of the week.

Product notes: No parabens supposedly means “no irritation” but don't take that as a license to get freaky. The lightweight Glycerine base will dry out during rough sex (aka great sex) turning what once was a hot scene into an awkward descent of “Let’s just watch Netflix."

I’m picturing an ideal scenario for this product: It's 1979 and a couple is sipping Lancers at a Steak & Ale. The gentleman turns to his companion and whispers in her ear, "Sweet Lady, you are so foxy. We should be making love under the moonlight."

He produces a bottle of Love Liquid conveniently hidden in his man-perm and they embrace as the lights dim and Seals & Croft plays in the background. Fade out.

Who it's for: The middle-aged couples in those Cialis commercials.

Ingredients: Water, Glycerin, Propylene Glycol, Hydroxyethyl Cellulose, Tetrasodium EDTA, Sodium Benzoate, Citric Acid

Tom of Finland Fisting Cream  — "Need a hand?"

Oh My God, Becky! If you want to do things that could get you arrested in red states you need a fistful of confidence from your old butt buddy — Tom of Finland. This mildly desensitizing cream lets you take a punch and like it.

Base: Oil and Lidocaine. (Does not play with latex condoms.)

Taste: TASTE? This is Fisting Cream, Twink. Put your ball-gag back on.

Viscosity: Super thick and Vaselinesque. This is one tough lube designed for tough sex. Rough sex. MANLY sex. The container is practically wearing a handlebar mustache.

Performance: Oh, you say you don't like it "that way?" Just a dab of Fisting Cream will turn you into the Fulton Street Leather Daddy of Larry Craig’s dreams. Grease up your big anal toys, butt beads and traffic cones without fear of butt burn, aka “the 9th ring of Hell.

Product Notes: Fisting Cream lasts forever. That means you'll need soap, water and a Papal Exorcism to get rid of the residue. Fisting Cream’s consistency would also be perfect as a jack-off cream for chronic masturbators.

Who it's for: GOP Front Runners, Political Aides

Ingredients:  Di Water, Petrolatium, Mineral Oil, Ceteareth 25 Peg-7 Hydrogenated Castor Oil, Stearic Acid, Stearyl Alcohol, Lidocaine, Polysorbate 60, Triethanolamine, Phenoxyethanol, Ethylhexylglycerin, Carbomer

Wet Naturals Beautifully Bare  — "Part of a nutritious breakfast."

Wet Lubricants is most famous for Wet Platinum, a Teflon-like silicone lubricant that will escort your nethers through the entire Mad Max franchise and all the way to the gates of Valhalla. Shiny and chrome, indeed.

For those who prefer a more "female friendly" lubricant (that doesn’t require removal with a pressure sprayer) the Wet Naturals line contains Aloe Vera, Vitamin E, Vitamin C and Cranberry Extract.

Base: Cellulose (Paraben and Glycerine Free)

Taste: Why me?

Viscosity: Rich (yet light) texture.

Performance: Doesn't get sticky, doesn't feel greasy, washes off superbly

Product Notes: “Natural?” Face it, ingredients like Tetrosodium EDTA and Hydroxyethyl Cellulose sound about as natural as a Kardashian’s lips.

Nevertheless, it doesn't contain the two most common irritants: Glycerine and Paraben. In simple terms, it's less likely to make it burn when you pee. Why don't they just put that on the label?

Who it's for: Picture Madonna pouring this on the trembling abs of a 22 year old Columbian male model as he desperately tries to chew through his restraints.

Ingredients: Water, PEG, Hydroxyethyl Cellulose, Polysorbate 20, Sodium Benzoate, Diazolidinyl Urea, Triethanolamine, Citric Acid, Carbomer, Tetrasodium EDTA, Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Juice, Citrus Grandis (Grapefruit) Seed Extract, Tocopheryl Acetate (Vitamin E), Vitis Vinifera (Grape) Seed Extract, Vaccinium Macrocarpon (Cranberry) Fruit Extract, Trifolium Pratense (Clover) Flower Extract, Ascorbic Acid #4.

Encounter Female Clitoral/G-Spot Lubricant  — "Gives you wings."

Low-Mojo Ladies, does your Punani need a defibrillator just to get started? Vegan-Certified Encounter Lubricant is here to heighten your pleasure and sensation! That sounds way sexier than “MENTHOLATES YOUR VAGINA!”

Base: Hydroxyethyl Cellulose (Glycerine and Paraben Free)

Taste: I'd rather sip Natural Light out of Satan's ass.

Viscosity: Medium weight, almost the same consistency as hair gel, although this one won’t glue your hand to your hoo-ha.

Performance: Nice and slippery with decent staying power. Washes away clean leaving behind only the shame.

Product Notes: Puts the sizzle back in your vajizzle with Menthol and Arginine. Since you asked, Menthol triggers the cold-sensitive nerves in the skin without actually providing a drop in temperature.

L-Arginine is an amino acid said to increase circulation but is also reported to aggravate certain STD's. (That means Team Herpes should proceed with caution.)

Random Musings: Sadly, applying this lubricant to my nether regions did not cause me to evaporate into a pink cloud of orgasmic vapor.

However, it did provide me with a nice tingle that complimented my choice of porn beautifully. I'd recommend this lube served at room temperature with John Stagliano’s “The Fashionistas.”

Who it's for: Thrill-seekers and anyone who wants to clear the cobwebs out of their lady bits.

Ingredients: Water (Aqua), Propylene Glycol, Arginine, Carbomer, Citric Acid, Hydroxyethylcellulose, Menthol, PEG-45M, Polysorbate 20, Tetrasodium EDTA, Tocopheryl Acetate, Triethanolamine, DMDM Hydantoin, Sodium Benzoate

System JO H20 Lubricant  — "Lube in a Lab Coat"

In sharp contrast to many lubricant manufacturers, System JO was NOT created in a creepy wood-paneled basement in the valley. System Jo is part of a medical consortium and is one of first USA lubricant manufacturers to use pharmaceutical grade ingredients in their products.

Base: Plant-based Glycerine

Taste: A little bitter but it doesn't make me want to donate my tongue to the tissue bank.

Viscosity: Warms quickly to body heat and feels a lot like a high quality olive oil. Drizzle it over your favorite body parts, sex toys, condoms, pizza..

Performance: Go on and get your freak on, System JO. This water-based lube acts like a Silicone Lube.

Product Notes: Perfect for all manner of fuckery: Vaginal sex, Anal sex, Make-up sex, and that nerd sex you had during ComicCon that you don't like to talk about.

Who it's for: Type A Fuckers, Unrepentant Rutters, Play on, Playa's.

Ingredients: Propylparaben, Methylparaben, Sodium Carboxymethyl Cellulose, Glycerine, Water

Astroglide Ultra-Gentle Gel – "El’ Sensitivo"

Do you have a touchy pussy? Is it sensitive and bitchy? Astroglide’s new Ultra-Gentle Gel contains natural botanicals like Aloe, Chamomile and Vitamin E minus the irritating Glycerine or Parabens. It’s like a hug in a bottle.

Base: Cellulose (No Glycerine or Parabens)

Taste: None.

Viscosity: Nice thick, creamy consistency.  Naturally, it's perfect for sodomy. Why don’t they just put that on the label?

Performance: What a pleasant surprise! Unlike its sticky relative Astroglide Original, Ultra-Sensitive Gel can hold up through a marathon sex session and a whole box of  sex toys without gumming up the works.

Product Notes: Even the most delicate hypochondriacs will be impressed by Ultra Gentle Gel’s ability to lubricate without irritation or setting off a yeast-bomb. However, it will not prevent post-coital weeping. Wait..Why are you crying? Unlock the goddamn bathroom door Wendy! WENDY!!

Who it's for: Just follow the trail of emotional baggage, kleenex and Tramadol prescriptions.

Ingredients:  Aqua, Glycerin, Ethoxydiglycol, Guar Hydroxypropyltrimonium Chloride, Hydroxyethyl Cellulose, Citric Acid, Benzyl Alcohol, Methylisothiazolinone, Methylchloroisothiazolinone

Pjur Original Bodyglide – "Das Lube"

If you don’t have a problem greasing your Sprockets with high-performance synthetics you’ll love this pharmaceutical-grade lubricant from the Deutschland. If you prefer a lube made from ingredients actually found in nature, well, go eat a pita.

Base: Silicone

Taste: None.

Viscosity: This light liquid goes on warm, feels like a dream and asserts it's superiority over other lubes with an iron fist.

Performance:  Put on your lederhosen and bring on your kinkiest all-night fuck sessions. Eros Original provides endless lubrication that will have you screaming "Liebe meine Apschminki!"

Product Notes: See, the Germans are a little funny about this thing called "quality and efficiency" so they use D5, the superior form of medical-grade silicone was probably invented in a secret Luftwaffe bunker. (Most companies use the less expensive D3 grade silicone.)

Who it’s for: Do you listen to techno? Do you own a latex bodysuit? Do you have several hours to kill and multiple orifices to fill?

Additional Thoughts: Oh, you know those stains in your sheets? Not coming out. EVER.

Sign Up for the YourTango Newsletter

Let's make this a regular thing!

Ingredients: Cyclopentasiloxane, Dimethicone, Dimethiconol

Author
Expert