150 Best Funny Quotes To Brighten Up Your Day

Photo: YourTango
funny quotes
Editor
Quotes

Laughing is the best way to get your day started. For me, having a good dose of humor gives me an extra boost of positivity.

If I'm in a sour mood before work, I listen to Amy Schumer's raunchy in-your-face humor. If I still feel a little down. I spend time looking at funny, relatable memes on social media.

There is just something about getting a good laugh in that makes your day a million times better. Not only can humor balance out your mood, but it can add just enough joy to your day to get over any slumps that are holding you back from being your best self.

Funny quotes to share with your friends and family are a fantastic way to lift your mood and bring a little sunshine to your life.

RELATED: 100 Funny Love Quotes From Comedians That Describe Your Crazy Relationship

Laughter is a major stress reliever, so when you begin to embrace the silly side of life you can make difficult situations easier to deal with.

Here are 150 of the best funny quotes that are guaranteed to put a smile on your face.

1. "I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon." — Ellen DeGeneres

2. "Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." — Mark Twain

3. "I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious." — Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), "The Office"

4. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” — Rose (Betty White), "The Golden Girls"

5. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." — Jim Carrey

6. "The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast." — Oscar Wilde

7. "Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?" — Phyllis Diller

8. "If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you." — Steven Wright

9. “Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese.” — Luis Bunnuel

10. “Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” — Margaret Mead

11. “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” — David Lee Roth

12. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

13. “Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.” — Jules Renard

14. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner

15. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller

16. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” — Rodney Dangerfield

17. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” — Les Dawson

18. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” — Joan Rivers

19. “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” — Jerry Seinfield

20. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” — George Carlin

21. “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” — Dave Barry

22. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams

23. “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.” — Bob Hope

24. “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” — Mia Farrow as Halley Reed in "Crimes and Misdemeanors"

25. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” — Fred Allen

RELATED: 75 Life Quotes — Good Funny Quotes On Living Your Best Life

26. “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, If I want to connect with old friends I need an Ouija board.” — Betty White

27. “From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.” — Jarod Kintz

28. “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” — Damien Fahey

29. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis

30. “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” — Jack Whitehall

31. “Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.” — Wilson Mizner

32. “I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.” — Bertrand Russell

33. “I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” — Joan Rivers

34. “I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.” — Stephen Fry

35. “Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.” — Edward Abbey

36. “If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.” — Alice Roosevelt Longworth

37. “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” — Don Marquis

38. “All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.” — Jane Wagner

39. “A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” — Jerry Seinfield

40. “We owe a lot to Thomas Edison — if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.” — Milton Berle

41. “Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.” — James Joyce

42. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” — A. A. Milne, "Winnie The Pooh"

43. “All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” — Alexander Woolcott

44. “One thing that humbles me deeply is to see that human genius has its limits while human stupidity does not.” — Alexandre Dumas

45. “To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” — Ashleigh Brilliant

46. “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” — Benjamin Franklin

47. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” — Bob Hope

48. “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” — Caroline Rhea

49. “He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” — Charles de Gaulle

50. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb

51. “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” — Bill Watterson

52. “Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.” — Daniel J. Boorstin

53. “It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.” — Dave Barry

54. “Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” — Dave Barry

55. “Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.” — Doug Larson

56. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” — Elbert Hubbard

57. “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.” — Emo Philips

58. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” — Emo Philips

59. “I drink to make other people more interesting.” — Ernest Hemingway

60. “You’re only good as your last haircut.” — Fran Lebowitz

61. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” — Earl Wilson

62. "I"m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my butt."

63. "I do not spew profanities. I enunciate them clearly, like a f—ing lady."

64. "Once you let mo-fos slide, they start to think they can ice skate."

65. "Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair."

66. "Dear haters, I couldn't help but notice that 'awesome' ends with 'me' and 'ugly' starts with 'u'."

67. "I choked on a carrot this afternoon, and all I could think was 'I bet a donut wouldn't have done this to me.'"

68. "My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch ... I call it lunch."

69. "I am not lazy I am on energy saving mode."

70. "Farts are like children, I'm proud of mine and disgusted by yours."

71. "Your life can't fall apart if you never had it together."

72. "Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too."

73. "My great-grandma started giggling at a barbecue, and when I asked what's funny, she said, 'Everyone here is alive because I got laid.'"

74. "Always be yourself, unless you can be Beyoncé. Then always be Beyoncé."

75. "Yes, I know there is a real special place in Hell for me. It is called a throne."

RELATED: 39 Funny Quotes About Life To Inspire You When You're Feeling Down

76. "The look you give your friend when the teacher says to find a partner."

77. "Home is where you trust the toilet seat."

78. "You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying 'I just find it funny how' because there's a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny."

79. "Just tell me when and where and I'll be there 20 minutes late."

80. "I wish Santa would publish the naughty list. What a great way to meet people."

81. "Never do the same mistake twice. Unless he's hot."

82. "That awkward moment when you're wearing Nike's and you can't do it."

83. "I hate men who say girls are 'weak.' Excuse me, but can you bleed for seven days straight and not die? I don't think so."

84. "It sure is strange that after Tuesday the rest of the week spells WTF."

85. "It's a beautiful day, I think I'll skip my meds and stir things up a bit."

86. "They should put prizes in your Tampax box. Your period sucks, but here's a 50% off ice-cream you cranky b—."

87. "I thought I was in a bad mood but it's been a few years so I guess this is who I am now."

88. "What's a queen without her king? Well, historically speaking, more powerful."

89. "I sat quietly with my own thoughts today. Remind me to never do that again."

90. "Can someone please just give me a participation trophy for making it through today please?"

91. “When I said that I cleaned my room. I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.”

92. "I eat cake because it's somebody's birthday somewhere."

93. "'It's been a long week' — Me, in the middle of Tuesday."

94. "Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see."

95. "You smell like hidden motives, get away from me."

96. "My friend thinks he's smart. He said onions are the only food that makes you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face."

97. “I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones... that’s what it’s called a ‘cell’ phone.”

98. "Only trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie."

99. "An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough."

100. "A best friend is like a four-leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have."

101. "Don't be so hard on yourself. The mom in E.T. had an alien living in her house for days and she never even noticed."

102. "It's that time of year where girls look really cute and fashionable in their flannel and I look like I've misplaced my ax."

103. "I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off."

104. "I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure."

Subscribe to our newsletter.

Hey You! Want more of YourTango's best articles, seriously addictive horoscopes and top expert advice? Sign up to get our free daily newsletter!

105. "I did a push-up today. Well actually I fell down, but I had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough."

106. "I don't understand how I can remember every word of a song from 1984, but I can't remember why I walked into the kitchen."

107. "When life shuts a door ... open it again. It's a door. That's how they work."

108. "I've made it from the bed to the couch. There's no stopping me now."

109. “Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.”

110. "The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake."

111. "Hey, train wreck, this isn't your station."

112. "Yesterday I really wanted tacos. Now I'm eating tacos. Follow your dreams."

113. "I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all know I'm hilarious."

114. “A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first.”

115. "I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning."

116. "You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo."

117. “'Did you just fall?' No, I was checking if gravity still works.”

118. "I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat."

119. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."

120. "If you can't laugh at your own problems, call me and I'll laugh at them."

121. “Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday?”

122. "Finally my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls."

123. "I hate when people ask me what I'm doing tomorrow, I don't even know what I'm doing today."

124. “Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.”

125. "I am not an early bird or night owl. I am some form of permanently-exhausted pigeon."

RELATED: 99 Funny & Sarcastic Memes To Use As Comebacks

126. "You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself."

127. "Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation."

128. "Life Status: currently holding it all together with one bobby pin."

129. "I'm sorry, I don't take orders. I barely take suggestions."

130. "First God created man, then he had a better idea ..."

131. "Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians. Help end the violence. Eat bacon."

132. "I just cleaned everything from top to bottom, so now I'm gonna need everyone to stop living here."

133. “Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems. I’m tired of solving them for your own.”

134. “You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I’m scared.”

135. “I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”

136. “Maybe if we tell people that brains is an app, they’ll start using it.”

137. “Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.”

138. “Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.”

139. “I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”

140. “Dear life, when I said ‘can this day get any worse’ it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.”

141. “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”

142. I put the 'pro' in procrastinate."

143. "I hope we're good friends until we die, then I hope we can stay ghost friends, walk through walls, and scare people."

144. “Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.”

145. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”

146. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”

147. “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”

148. “There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.”

149. “I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”

150. “The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”

RELATED: 100 Funny Inspirational Quotes To Start Your Day Off With Positive Thoughts

YourTango brings our community of readers, writers, thought leaders, and the world’s leading relationship and mental health experts together to connect and engage where it matters most: the heart.