11 Answers To The Weird, Kinky Sex Questions You're Afraid To Ask

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A sexologist has the answers.

Let's face it. There are some questions about sex, particularly kinky sex, that you absolutely need to know but your high school health teach absolutely didn't teach. That's why you came here.

We had an opportunity to interview Calgary sexologist Natalie Blais and get to the bottom of some of kinky questions you might have on your mind. As always, our questions are bold but her answers are regular vanilla.

1. Do any lubes NOT taste gross?

Lubricant, by its very composition is going to have a "lubey" taste to it. The very best tasting lubricants are glycerin free. Opt for lubricants that are more natural tasting, such as strawberry and vanilla. Go for the good stuff. Don't cheap out on your lubricant when it comes to a flavored one.

2. Why do women like being choked more than men?

Choking is a sign of strength and submission. The act of "restricting" someone's ability to breathe (as an illusion) is a power exchange, and you will find that most women are very powerful in their public life. By adding in an element of power exchange during sex, it takes away a tiny bit of power from one and transfers to another.

(Note: Choking is a dangerous activity and should only be added to the play with both parties in full agreement and understanding. Do your research before attempting this sexual kink play.)

3. How do you find a threesome partner who it isn't going to be weird around and isn't a prostitute?

When you find the elusive unicorn of sexual partners, be sure to hold onto them. Realistically though, there are websites and local meet-up groups where you can find these kinds of partners. You must take the lead.

Ask hundreds, if not thousands, of questions. Agree on boundaries with your primary partner. Be very clear on what is OK, what is grey area, and what is absolutely off limits when playing with a third partner. Meet in public for coffee or drinks first. Ask questions. Ask for a health check. Any reputable clinic will give the patient a proper clinic print out for a health check for a full STD/STI screen.

Ask about former partners. If they're a swinger, ask to speak to their current partner or past partners, even if it's via email exchanges. Do your homework, trust your gut, and let instinct guide you. Just as your "spidey sense" screams at you to not enter a dark alley, the same "spidey sense" will help you choose and stay away from a new partner.

4. How do you avoid developing real feelings for a threesome partner?

The short answer, you don't. The reality is, intimacy brings about emotional feelings and emotional attachment. It's what you do with your feelings that make the difference. Be honest with yourself, your partner, and your additional third. Speak up. Say how you're feeling and be willing to re-negotiate the deal or even end the dynamic if the feelings are beginning to overshadow your primary relationship.

In the end, do you really want to be engaging in a sexual dynamic and have absolutely no feelings of affection for your partner? If the feelings come, acknowledge them, address them and deal with them in a healthy proactive manner.

5. Should you be scared of a man with a rape fantasy?

There's a difference between a rape "fantasy" and a desire to commit rape. If a staged rape scene isn't your thing, then don't date a new partner who has that as part of their kink fantasy. This "edge play" as it's called requires incredible amounts of negotiation, conversation, safe words, safe calls, check ins and so much more. If you even doubt a tiny bit that you want to test these waters, make that crystal clear.

6. How do you keep from getting bruises and marks from ropes and handcuffs?

You can minimize the markings from BDSM props by treating the rope with wax (this will lessen the "grit" of the rope), and using a gentler tie not so tightly wound on the skin. Using lined leather cuffs that have some padding will leave less of a mark than metal handcuffs.

Get creative in how you answer nosy people's questions if there are marks. After all, it's none of their business. Give them an outrageous answer so they quit asking. If you have marks on your wrists from handcuffs, tell the Nosy Nelly you were arrested over the weekend for attempting to steal the new baby giraffe from the local zoo.

7. Will anal sex irrevocably change your rectum?

Generally speaking, no. However, anal sex is still the last "taboo" for most couples. Anal sex requires time, seduction, foreplay, copious amounts of lube, and patience. If it's a once in awhile play addition, chances of irrevocably changing your rectal muscle isn't likely.

8. How much bodily fluid is too much to ingest from your partner?

While we don't recommend drinking gallons of semen in one sitting, there really is no danger in ingesting your partner's body fluid. Men ejaculate approximately one to two tablespoons of semen, women ejaculate two to five cups of G-spot ejaculant. So, relatively speaking, there isn't much to consume. Your concern should rest in their health (in regards to STD/STIs) and what risks you're taking with communicable diseases and infections.

9. What are the most popular safe words? What if my partner doesn't want to use one?

The most popular safe words are "green" (give me more), "yellow" (pushing a boundary and I'm willing to carry on with caution), and "red" (stop NOW). In most BDSM forums and groups, you'll see many writings and posts about "Calling Red," as it's the most common safe word for stopping immediately.

You can substitute any color you want, but colors are a great way to ensure your voice is heard in the midst of intense play. If your partner doesn't want a safe word, you really need to consider why. Are they unwilling to listen to your desires, fears and concerns? Is this a clear picture of how they treat you outside the bedroom?

Are you so comfortable in your relationship that "consensual non-consent" is going to be OK and you trust that your partner won't cross any hard lines? These are some of the questions you need to ask before going into BDSM play without a safe word

10. How do you get an understanding for your pain threshold without going over it?

The only way to know what your pain threshold is, is to test it. Maybe a spanking is nothing, but getting paddled is incredibly painful. That's a threshold. You find the edge of something by approaching it, testing the boundary, and then making a decision.

You may find that in the midst of sexual play, your pain threshold is considerably higher than you anticipated. Endorphins and adrenaline can increase your pain threshold by a significant amount. You only know where that boundary is by testing it and being willing to "call red" when you need to.

11. Are there dangers to performing oral sex while she's menstruating?

There are no real dangers other than a mess. You don't drink gallons of vaginal fluid when performing oral sex on a woman who isn't menstruating, so why would you when she is? There are several products on the market that can help prevent menstrual blood from getting everywhere.

Menstrual cups and the Diva Cup are both great products to create a less messy environment during her period. If you're concerned, you can purchase oral dams, which create a barrier between your mouth and her genitals while still getting the sensation of oral sex.

 

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